Part I: Some Basics

What is your body — more accurately, what is your ego — trying to tell you when you look in the mirror?

Unblock your body. When you look in the mirror, first figure out who’s looking back at you. Then figure out which voice in your head is talking. Ask yourself: “What are you telling me, body?” What is your body trying to tell you when you look in the mirror? Is the image you see positive or negative? Is it positive or negative in the physical, real sense or are you making it positive or negative in your mind? Is your ego doing the evaluation or is it your True Self, the real you doing it? This is an important step because the ego is the great comparer-competitor — and the master deceiver —, and is interested in its own survival, whether it’s real or fantasy. A man needs to make contact with his True Self, not with his conditioned false self, his ego. Once he does that, he’s on the right track.

Tuning inwards is becoming aware, and then conscious of yourself and your Tāntric Lover

tuning outwards

Tune inwards not outwards. Today most men are constantly tuning outwards, reaching outward for something, and then for something more, always moving farther and farther outwards, away from themselves; but the place where they really should want to be is within. Tuning inwards is becoming aware, and then conscious of yourself and your Tāntric Lover. Tuning inwards is the practice of cultivating and encouraging authentic, genuine communication between you and him. Tuning inwards requires a man to drop the shields and to trust, accept healthy vulnerability, and to surrender to the Beloved.

Touch: Male Braille

senses and touch
Touch is one of the most powerful tools in a man’s erotic toolbox. I dedicate a lot of time and work to the senses and particularly to touch, both “giving” touch and “taking” touch. Again, I simply can’t go into detail here but to emphasize that the senses and touch particularly, is awesome and incredibly important. Problem is that most men don’t know how to touch or be touched!

The Alchemy of Role reversal: As above, so below.

We have a lot of talk associated with what we do. We describe ourselves as a top or a bottom. We talk about types. I recently had a discussion where I said that a top can be a good top only if he’s bottomed. I think that’s very true. If you haven’t been in a man’s body — no crude pun intended — you just don’t know what a man feels.

Erotosensual flexibility

Erotosensual flexibility is one of the keys to continuing attraction. We’ve all experienced the boredom of “knowing what’s coming.” He likes oral but not the way you enjoy it. Reverse roles and do him like you want him to do you! He bangs you like a whore but you want to be his prince. Reverse roles and show him how you like it! This is an exercise in Guess what? Touch! And a lesson in EI.

Why does that sound so obvious but no one really thinks of doing it? Because we’re lazy and we don’t know how to enjoy something as important and beautiful as committed selfless sensuality. You don’t have to be a tantric master to get to know how to share ecstasy with your partner; all you have to do is genuinely care.

This basic rule applies to touch in general: reverse roles and touch! I repeat: Touch is one of the most powerful tools in the erotic toolbox. Just try touching your partner and ask him to make sounds as you touch him. He can say “Yes!” or just make sounds of pleasure, but he has to give you feedback. You’ll soon learn what his sounds mean, and what turns him on and what doesn’t. Now reverse the roles. Once you do that, talk about it. When you finally get out the massage oil and go to work, it will all flow naturally!

sounds of pleasure

In the moment. Being in the moment is essential to being present; in fact, it is being present. Think about where you are when you’re enjoying sensual intimacy with him. Are you in the moment, present to him, or are you way ahead of yourself? Are you concentrating on some sort of performance, or on a future goal, or are you deeply experiencing the moment you are sharing? Are you right there, totally immersed in what you are feeling? Are you receiving his energies, his feelings as you touch him?

Most men I know are too busy living life from the neck up. Most are already five minutes into the future and totally absent to the present moment. When this happens in a man’s erotic life, it’s like having sex with a refrigerator. Tāntric intimacy, spiritual sensuality means slowing down, being in the moment, being present to every sensation, connecting with your Beloved’s responses, being physically, emotionally, and spiritually aware of each other. Make noises during intimacy. Most men become deaf mutes, they tense up, and they concentrate on rushing to the cum-moment, an orgasm. And then it’s over. Done.

That’s all wrong. Wrong. WRONG! Listen, feel, perceive, make sounds, relax, use your imagination as opposed to fantasy, and share your possibilities with your lover, be creative, experiment, play. Tell him a story while you’re doing him. Tell him what you want him to feel and how you’re going to make him feel it. Ask him what he feels or what he wants to feel. Communicate with him, be in the moment with him, and be present to him. And most of all, SLOW DOWN!

Slow down. Fast-food sex is work and is almost never truly worthwhile; slow, homoerotic sensuality, surrender, in fact, is playful, energizing, exhilarating, titillating, crazy, and truly beneficial physically, emotionally, and spiritually. True Tāntric sensuality does not require you to do an erotic triathlon; the yuganaddhāsana–s (योगनद्धआसन) I recommend are natural and flow seamlessly from any position the Tantric Lovers may be in. Homoerotic intimacy and sensuality are not a competition sport; in fact, it’s not competition at all! Sorry to disappoint you but at the basis of homoerotic practice is relationship, sharing, and communicating as equal parts of a whole.


Homoerotic intimacy must have an element of creativity, it can be playful, it can be incredibly spiritual, but it cannot be rushed. It has to start off with reverence and commitment, and move, flow gently to the ecstatic moment, and then gradually and gently move into the union, the maithuna (मैथुन). The cuddle phase can be added later.

Never stop touching, tasting, savoring your Tāntric Lover’s presence, his essence. Never stop exploring, kissing, whispering in words and wordlessly what you are feeling about him. Just slow down unblock your body, tune in, reverse roles now and then, be in the moment and present for each other.

©2020/2021. Homoerotic Tantra:Mascul-IN-Touch℠ and H.W. Vadney MDiv. (Daka Karuṇā (करुणा) T.). All rights Reserved. This document is considered proprietary and confidential. Permission to publish this article is granted provided attribution is recognized without prejudice to the author’s rights. Homoerotic Tantra:Mascul-IN-Touch℠, Homoerotic Tantra:Mascul-IN-Timacy℠, and Daka Karuna are alteregos of H.W. Vadney MDiv. Homoerotic Tantra℠, Mascul-IN-Touch℠, and Homoerotic Tantra:Mascul-IN-Touch℠, Hesion℠, and Mascul-IN-Timacy℠ are proprietary service marks claimed by H.W. Vadney MDiv.