I’d like to offer just a few thoughts on several important topics that are generally neglected by most men when it comes to homoerotic masculine intimacy, the most important of which is preparation.
Ask yourself: “How do I prepare for my Tāntric Lover? Seriously, what do you actually do before you and your Beloved come together? Do you consider at least three levels of preparation? Your psychoemotional self, your physical self, and your space, not necessarily in that order.
I discuss self-preparation specifically and in detail in another essay, and I provide recommendations and instructions for preparing the sacred space in several program modules. Preparation of your psychoemotional self is a component of the entire program. I’ll just touch upon several neglected points and leave it at that; we’ll get to the specific topics in due course.
1. Set the mood
The mood is where and when you want to engage with your Tāntric Lover. Playfulness is important but both of you have to have a healthy sense of adventure; you must trust each other, and you must be able to be vulnerable to your lover and surrender to him. The mood must be one of longing and yielding.
This applies to homoerotic sensual play or rāsalīlā (रासलीला) in the kitchen as well as play in the tub or the shower, and to play for hours between — even better on top of the sheets. The mood starts in your disposition and your intention, the quality of your relationship, and then moves to the situation. You and your Tāntric Lover are an essential part of the “mood,” and literally create the mood; the mood is not ambiance alone but includes, even creates ambiance. You should prepare ambiance to enhance the mood, and then go for the gold!
I have provided an abbreviated 5-step ritual of “welcome” that can be incorporated into the homoerotic rāsalīlā (रासलीला) experience.
A Dāka Aside: Think of a story. The plot feeds the emotions, the memory. Every time you make erotically engage your Tāntric Lover you are creating a narrative, a story. Every story needs a plot. The plot feeds the imagination and stokes the memory. Think of it this way: If you eat fast food every day, you’ll satisfy an urge, you’ll feel fed. Will it be memorable? Unlikely. What is more likely is that you will soon forget what real food tastes like. Well orchestrated erotosensuality is like a beautifully prepared meal: it has a theme, a plot. A beautiful meal brings smells, tastes, textures, presentation all into harmony. Then you create an ambiance, and accompany the meal with a good wine, and a special dessert. Believe me, you’ll remember that meal!
Thoughtful and careful preparation is part of the foreplay; make no mistake about that!
You may think foreplay starts when you feel the urge, with rushin’ hands and roamin’ fingers? Wrong! Foreplay stars with a phone call or a text telling your Beloved how you feel about him, and what to expect when gets home. Better still, tell him there’s a surprise waiting for him when he gets home, and have a surprise for him. Leave it to your imagination. Take the responsibility yourself to make it happen, and that will make space for play and pleasure.
What do you think foreplay is, anyway? If you think it’s when you start fondling him to get him aroused, you’re ignorant and dead wrong! Foreplay is showing him that you not only appreciate him but that you adore him and you want to please and worship him.
When you think you have an appetite for something really special or tasty, you’ll have to do some shopping, the fridge doesn’t get full until you fill it. So start the foreplay way before the touching starts. Maybe a note or a letter on the door or texting him, have something he likes delivered to him at work. That’s part of setting the mood.
Go easy! Good intentions can easily become a weird performance; don’t overplay the part. Be yourself but only slightly different, make him look for that special something you’re offering but not in his face…yet.
Homoerotic Tantra:Mascul-IN-Touch℠ teaches a special path for men who love men. The foreplay starts with setting the mood with good preparation, all of which prepares the path to the sacred space. The space where you start to melt into each other becomes the sacred space. Getting there takes time.
You will learn how to use your skills to bring each other to the edge of ecstasy; then start the intimate foreplay after the first orgasm. (Try edging or delaying orgasm for a while during your play. If you learn this technique your experience will be more intense and your ecstasy more powerful and intense.)
3. Slow and be gentle
Slow and gentle are not generally thought of as being masculine but that’s only in toxic Western stereotyping in action. Slow and gentle is key at the start and throughout, and it has been that way in most, if not all, evolved cultures. You may want to kick things up a notch once you’ve started but let your erotic play take on a vitality of its own and move at its own pace. First of all, calm your mind, and stop thinking about what’s going to happen next, otherwise you’re going to turn it into a competitive performance sport and once it’s gone in that direction, you can forget about ecstasy, much less bliss. Competitive performance is the last thing you want to bring into your erotic moments. You can be playful without being competitors. Remember, homoerotic sensuality and eroticism is intended to be a win-win situation.
Go slowly, gently, bring it up to speed; slow down again, and bring it up again. This is a time just for you and your Tāntric Lover, so be in the moment, don’t rush thru it, and be present for each other. The dynamic fueling your erotic moments should be focused surrender, abandonment (as in letting go completely), not fast penetrative sex; leave that to dogs in heat.
4. Stop stereotyping
Look, sex in the shower with a mouthful of bodywash isn’t the only erotic sensuality; neither is playing dead on your stomach waiting to get skewered. One partner doesn’t have to be the “active” partner and the other one “passive;” such dualistic thinking is stereotype and totally non-Tāntric. Another stereotype that is complete rubbish but is widely marketed and sold by too many fake guru-s is that orgasm the destination; don’t “buy” that snake-oil claim literally or figuratively. Once you have an orgasm doesn’t mean you’re finished and everyone’s in bliss-land; simply not true and definitely not Tantric.
There’s more after the orgasm, like afterplay! We are always talking about foreplay, we have to practice afterplay. Rāsalīlā (रासलीला) should include healthy and sharing afterplay. A good lover thinks out of the box; he is innovative and creative before, during, and after playing. A good lover personalizes every session, every movement, making it new and surprising for his Tāntric Lover.
Stereotyped sex is stagnant sex; it’s an easy fix and a quick sale for the fake experts. Stereotype sex is what you are fed in the porn flics until you want to puke. Totally unimaginative, totally uncreative, totally boring! But that’s what some men think sensuality is.
Break out of the stereotype sex and learn homoeroticism and sensuality. Be innovative in your ambiance, create new scenarios, change the venue, and get divinely playful. Make your own rules. Be truly Tāntric!
Don’t destroy the moment you both have worked hard to create; keep touching, kissing, experiencing your lover. Don’t tell him you ‘love’ him; tell him you adore him, that he is your life, your breath, your soul. Whisper it into his ear. Cuddle, nuzzle into his neck. Kiss his neck and behind his ears. Nuzzle your nose into his hair. You’ll probably start the dance of bliss all over again. Why not?
5. Keep porn out of the sacred space
Pornography comes from the Greek words porne (prostitute) and graphein (to depict) and literally means depicting the ways of prostitutes; a brothel in Greek was porneon. Pornography is what we can call outcome-driven; there is no foreplay as I’ve described it, no seduction; pornography prepares you for masturbation, not for intimacy or sensuality with your Tāntric Lover.
Your Tāntric Lover must be your main stimulus, the main attraction, the star of the show. You must watch his body, follow his breathing, listen for his sounds, be guided by his reactions; you must focus on him and nothing else. Keep porn and the smartphone out of the sacred space.
There is a great deal of real scientific research and medical study that argues convincingly that pornography is harmful, unhealthy, and can become addiction, leading to neurosis, psychosis, social dysfunction. In a word, pornography is unhealthy.
6. The jug fills drop by drop until it overflows
Bring your imagination into your relationship. It’s the little things that will add spice to the relationship and will flavor the erotosensual action.
Look at your Tāntric Lover and cherish his perfect imperfections, his curves, his special uniqueness. There are no flaws, there are just those perfect imperfections that make him different from every other man who ever lived. Hold him and touch him. Appreciate the space he occupies physically and in your heart. He has a fragrance, a taste, a texture, a multitude of ingredients that make him unique and special. Discover them and savor them. Adore him and worship him as the Divine gift he is.
The problem in most relationships tend to fizzle not because the partners don’t know what to do to keep it going, they just stop doing it. Just look around yourself and you’ll see one of the biggest relationship killers around: our electronic toys. When you’re holding your phone you’re not holding or touching your lover. When you’re looking into your phone you’re not looking at your lover. When you are together, that is, at meals, sitting together, in the bedroom, leave that damn relationship-killer out of the room! Turn it off or it will turn you off!
7. Attraction fades only if you let it
Many of us have spent tens, hundreds, even thousands of dollars and countless hours, years on education, educating ourselves, learning stuff. Most of what we learned never gets used. When we buy a car, insurance, a refrigerator, a computer, a smartphone we do research to learn more about it to get the best out of it. We naturally want the best out of our investment. Right? So why do we stop researching how to get the most out of our relationships, our eroticism and sensuality?
Why is it that most men don’t look at anything that will make them a better partner? Read about relationship, great spirituality, beauty, love, healthy lifestyle, positive aging. (Health Web Magazine is a great place to start!)
Talk about what makes your Tāntric Lover feel special, uniquely yours, and how he makes or can make you feel the same way. Check in with your partner; make sure you’re both on the same page, that any problems are not festering, that he feels wanted, loved, needed, trusted. Be interested and most importantly show interest in his physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being.
You have to feed into the mentality of being present, interested, and accessible. If you feel the spark fading, write your partner a letter. Better still, do something imaginative, playful, to show him that the flame of Eros is burning hot and bright. At least talk to him; don’t take him for granted or someone else will take him for his own.
©2020/2021. Homoerotic Tantra:Mascul-IN-Touch℠ and H.W. Vadney MDiv. (Daka Karuṇā (करुणा) T.). All rights Reserved. This document is considered proprietary and confidential. Permission to publish this article is granted provided attribution is recognized without prejudice to the author’s rights. Homoerotic Tantra:Mascul-IN-Touch℠, Homoerotic Tantra:Mascul-IN-Timacy℠, and Daka Karuna are alteregos of H.W. Vadney MDiv. Homoerotic Tantra℠, Mascul-IN-Touch℠, and Homoerotic Tantra:Mascul-IN-Touch℠, Hesion℠, and Mascul-IN-Timacy℠ are proprietary service marks claimed by H.W. Vadney MDiv.
2] I’m taking some liberties with this complex and meaning-full compound for divine playful sensuality, rāsalīlā (रासलीला), which has a rich tradition in the literature of Bharatavarṣa (भरतवर्ष) (India). The word is a compound of two Sanskrit words, rasa (रस), “sap”, “juice”, “essence”, “taste”, “delight”, “charm” or “sentiment”, and līlā (लीला), which means “play, pleasure, pastime in general, "amorous or wanton play," "grace, charm; “the creative play by the Divine Absolute (Brahman); more simply, līlā (लीला) refers to the activities of the deity and his devotees, as distinct from the common activities of karma (कर्म). So any Sanskrit term, but particularly a compound of Sanskrit terms has a wide range of possible interpretations, a feature I take fullest advantage of.
3] I can’t even count the number of men who come with sad stories of having lost someone. In their words, he “left” or someone “took” him. That’s not entirely true and I strive to get those men to understand that the leaving was more than likely mutual leaving, and there were clear reasons why it happened. Communication is a multifaceted concept that gives life to relationship; when communication dies the relationship becomes the grieving widower, and soon follows.